The Importance of the struggle
The Importance of the struggle
There is a saying that really resonated with me, “don’t steal the struggle.” In essence, allow space for the child to struggle without taking away the parts that might feel hard (for you and for them). This can include a struggle with a task (like zipping a coat), an idea (trying to problem solve), or resolving a conflict with a peer (negotiating taking a turn with something).
Children come up against things all the time. They are constantly trying to figure things out, learn what happens when, or experiment with cause and effect. They need this experience to learn and understand “the why and how.” We want to build critical thinking and problem solving skills, and one way we do this is by allowing children to experience their struggles.
Why allowing them to struggle is so important:
You are allowing them to build connections in their brain. These connections help them to understand and process information for what to do next time something similar happens.
It promotes independence. There will be a time when you are not there, and you want them to have the necessary skills to handle the situation.
It builds confidence and resilience. They learn they can do it, how to recover and try again.
Helps them develop an understanding that with the struggle comes success. We want them to understand with effort you can have success even when something feels hard.
It can be hard to watch a child struggle with something, frankly it can be downright painful to watch at times. Children gain the most when they are given time to figure something out on their own. They need to be involved in the process of learning how to do something vs having something done for them.
By rescuing them or preventing them from feeling failure/ making mistakes, we are robbing them of potential growth. They begin to rely on us to solve their problems or to keep them from having problems. Over time this pattern can lead to the child feeling as though they are not capable of handling the situation. Or they are not capable of facing disappointment. And ultimately, they do not develop the coping mechanisms needed to tackle future problems.
Problems lead to problem solving. When they are faced with a problem and figure out what worked and didn’t work to solve it, they learn for the next time. They can generalize and apply prior knowledge to the new situation and be better prepared for the next time.
We can help our children by letting them experience the natural consequences to their actions or in action. This cause and effect builds connections in the brain.
How do you allow for the struggle:
- the key is to observe and know the child. What skills do they have and what skills are they working on
Take a deep breath. They will feel your sense of urgency, frustration, fear etc. Be calm and try not to react
Allow for time and resist the urge to step in right away. . If it is a physical task you may need to build in more time for them to work on it without feeling rushed. If it's a peer to peer conflict, give them some time to work through it (without you jumping in to solve the problem) You may need to step in, but unless they are in imminent danger give them a moment to work through it.
Provide encouragement without intervention. You can support without solving the problem. You can say “I see you trying, is it working?” “I am right here if you need help” “You are working really hard, keep going” “I can see it feels hard, but you can do this”
Help them reflect after the fact. “What worked?” “What didn’t work?” “How do you feel now?”
Model situations for them and talk through things that are hard for you. Show them that even grown ups struggle with things and that’s ok.
Allowing them the opportunity to struggle through hard things can give children the opportunity to emerge confident in themselves, develop coping skills when things feel hard, learn to make safe choices even when grown ups are not close by, and to accept the consequences of their actions without fear.